Who can a man tell?

ifitellyouThe year 2015 has been quite a year so far for me. At my current age of 42 (birthday this month!) I have for the first time become public about something very private about me. I was unable to tell of this before. The reason? There are 2 main reasons. One is that I no longer believe there is a god has an interest in me and therefore will not bring about the justice I was promised for so many years. the second is Fear. Fear of not being believed, fear of being judged as a lesser person, fear of rejection.

Back in 2012 when I first told the extent of my abuse I found a very useful booklet, here is the link to it:

http://www.ecav.health.nsw.gov.au/online-shop/booklets-manuals/who-can-a-man-tell/

If the link fails please contact me and I will be happy to send you a copy.

Another useful resource is here: http://www.livingwell.org.au/

Religious Trauma Syndrome (RTS)

I have just been reading a very interesting article written about the trauma of leaving a religion. I left a religion I was very closely associated with for over 30 years and it was a decision I did not take lightly. As I write this members of my family are still part of it and shun me which is additional trauma, I hope one day they see my point of view.

The article is here: http://www.babcp.com/Review/RTS-Trauma-from-Leaving-Religion.aspx

It is my view that many JWs remain members as it is the easy option stay in touch with your ‘friends’ and family and enjoy social and religious activities as part of an instant community despite having doubts and not believing it whole heartedly. The above article shows how hard it is to remove yourself, as I did because my conscience did not allow me to stay.

I admire all people that follow their conscience despite the cost of losing all they have built up, all they have known. Freedom should be available to everyone, sadly it isn’t even in this country.

Why I went public

Recently events that were private to me became public. I could have remained anonymous but chose to waive my anonymity. You may be wondering why.

1. To help others come forward. Whilst I cannot speak for everyone that has suffered abuse, I am sure many know the concerns about coming forward. Questions such as will I be believed, will I be put in more danger, will I be able to speak about it come to mind. Well I did speak up, was believed and have survived. I hope my story helps anyone in a similar situation see that it can be true of them also.

2. To help others come forward. I have no doubt in my mind that my abuser targeted others. In fact a week after he was jailed I was sent a message from a lady who lived around the corner from him telling me he had been showing an interest in her 9 year old son literally weeks before his trial. I would really like to hear from anyone affected by Gary Moscrop so the world can see what sort of person he is.

3. To help my family understand. My family had no idea of what I went through during my childhood, in fact they probably still don’t. I would be willing to tell them now since the trial is over however at this time most of my family choose not to speak with me. They are Jehovah’s Witnesses and I am no longer one and for this reason a JW is not allowed to speak to an ex JW, not even a close relative. The trial and subsequent conviction though will at least give them an idea of the torture I endured for 5 years, robbing me of my childhood, innocence and happiness.

4. To help Jehovah’s Witnesses see the truth. I was told when I was a JW that I was living in a spiritual paradise and could look forward to happier times when everyone alive serves the one god. Well even the sun sets in paradise and for many it does not rise again. The truth is that The Watchtower Society operates in so much secrecy that it hurts their followers, yet it protects paedophiles. I had been made to believe that my situation was a one off and today JWs deal with child abuse differently, however this is not true. I was told that the elders would deal with things properly when it came to Gary, however when the police approached the elders they refused to cooperate. This happens the world over time and again. If they cannot protect innocent children, how do you think they handle other matters?

5. I no longer have to hide. I am free to live my life without shame or having to hide who I am. I do not want sympathy, I just want to enjoy what few times I can with my friends and children. I am no longer anxious about whether my abuser will die an old man before the law has dealt with him. I know that there is one more threat to children taken off the streets. I know I did all I could despite the time delay. It may have cost me dearly but you cannot put a price on happiness.

6. This is not one of the reasons I thought of, it is as a result of a conversation I had today. A colleague I used to work beside was looking for some motivational speeches and remembered I used to have some on my website. She went online and stumbled across my story and lifted the phone to tell me that it gave her the motivation she was looking for in her business life. If me being public about my childhood has this affect, then I am happy to have helped!

🙂

I’m a survivor

I wrote this at the start of a journal in September 2011, before I had gone to the police with information they had never heard about, at this stage I did not know whether to go to them or not:

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The word survival can conjure up many different pictures, perhaps someone dressed up in combat uniform in the jungle, or someone crawling out of a plane wreckage.

The fact is, in my opinion everyone is a survivor, every day has it’s own unique challenge, however some have more to contend with than others.

For me, I am a survivor of sexual, physical and mental abuse that I experienced as a child. The word survive in this sense means I have lived through these traumatic experiences and am no longer powerless in relation to this abuse.

A close friend asked me the other day if I am the type of person I am because of what I experienced. I believe the answer is no, I think I would always have been a stubborn, independent, curious person, however I am of the belief it did change my character. My inability to trust people or believe what I am told seems to be to such a degree that is unacceptable to the majority, however I stand by it, perhaps as I believe it helps me survive the day to day challenges I meet. Additionally the barriers I raise in order to stop people getting close to me is probably as a result of the experiences I faced daily as a child.

The word survive, does not infer that someone has gone through an experience, and can continue through life as though it never happened. Undoubtedly a person surviving an air crash will have concerns about flying again, flashbacks of the event, with different things triggering general nervousness or panic, possibly even making them wary of all types of travel where they are not in control.

The same is true with me. Whilst I am no longer powerless in relation to the abuse I suffered, it can on occasions affect me. I think the word disable is too strong, however it does affect my ability in my reaction to certain things, and I do often experience the feeling of ‘total shutdown’.

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I wrote this in the journal in January 2015:

“You need to move on, everybody else has”

These were the words of a Jehovah’s Witness elder to my family who were being stalked by my abuser at a JW assembly just after his reinstatement.

My abuser’s name is Gary Moscrop, and he was my step father after my mum had married him not long after she converted to Jehovah’s Witnesses, despite an elder advising her not to have anything to do with him.

He started abusing me right from the outset. I was only 7 years of age and he continued for 5 years. Then one Thursday night whilst the rest of my family were attending a Witness meeting I was subjected to an episode of abuse that horrified and disturbed me and still does to this day. He was eventually convicted of buggery for what had happened that night. The next morning at the age of 13 I managed to find the words to say I had been sexually abused. He was disfellowshipped from the witnesses on his confession. Up till then I had spoken on a number of occasions of the physical beatings and the elders were contacted and met with me however as it was my word against his, he was believed and I could not form the words to tell of the sexual abuse I was enduring.

For reasons unknown to me it would be another two years before the police were called, and I was only able to tell of the last time I was abused, though not the extent as I was ashamed and embarrased. Sadly my mum did not want to press charges and so all he got was a caution, that was in 1987.

He was reinstated as a Jehovah’s Witness at around the year 2000. I was not informed of this, nor had any apology from him so am unsure how he was able to demonstrate his repentance. At the next assembly he stalked my family who then called me in a distressed state, telling me that the elder who knew the case had said the above.

I wrote to the elders in Brighton congregation explaining that this is not possible to move on, daily we are reminded of what he put us through. To date I have not heard back from any of the elders in Brighton.

At around 2002 I found out he had married a young Filipino girl who was studying with the witnesses and she was pregnant. Immediately I contacted the police and gave them copies of the statements that were taken in 1987. They were very good and went to his house and informed him that they were classing him as a sex offender and he would have limited access to his yet unborn child. Thankfully his new wife kicked him out.

This brought back many memories of what I had been through, and now with children of my own I could not comprehend how anyone could hurt or abuse children in such a way. I went into a deep depression and became suicidal. I went to my GP who referred me to a psychologist, and for 6 months I went through a course of CBT.

This helped a great deal, however I was plagued with flashbacks on a daily basis. I had never spoken to anyone, even my therapists about the abuse I suffered. Eventually I could no longer cope, and suffered a nervous breakdown. I stopped being a JW overnight, resigning as an elder and never going back to any meetings.

I wrote a journal of what was going on in my head, in order to try and make sense of what had happened to me.  I then spoke to a close friend of what I had survived. This was in 2011, for the first time in my life I was able to confront my demons, and went back to the police and told them about events nobody had heard about before.

A case was put together and sent to the Crown Prosecution Service who said we had a strong case for the High Court.

On January 8th 2015 he was jailed for 10 years for the offences against me to which I am very happy to see some justice.
[ Police news: http://www.sussex.police.uk/whats-happening/latest/news-stories/2015/01/12/brighton-man-sentenced-for-historic-sex-offences-againgt-young-boy ] [ Newspaper article: http://www.nickfrench.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/pdffrijan16.pdf ]

JW Parents – Safeguard your children

I spent about 20 minutes looking online and found several news items to do with child abuse within Jehovah’s Witnesses. I have placed the links below. They are not from ‘apostate’ sources and it took me only 20 minutes online to find them, they give a snapshot of recent events.
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http://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/jehovahs-witnesses-destroyed-documents-showing-7340603

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/wires/ap/article-2816630/13-5M-award-Jehovahs-Witnesses-molest-case.html#ixzz3Hn875cEl

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/jehovahs-witnesses-sex-abuse-scandal-4422943#ixzz3Fwm1Uttl

http://www.oregonlive.com/portland/index.ssf/2014/12/jehovahs_witnesses_under_fire.html

http://digital.vpr.net/post/vermont-sisters-sue-jehovahs-witnesses-child-sex-abuse

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/church-633040-abuse-lawsuit.html

http://www.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/news/11343012.display/

http://www.kjrh.com/news/local-news/mcalester/church-elder-76-year-old-ronald-lawrence-arrested-over-sex-abuse-claims-dating-back-to-1980s
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If you choose not to read them then I would like to make a few points you should be aware of:

  • Jehovah’s Witnesses still do not have proper child safeguard policies in place
  • They do not cooperate with the police when asked about someone’s confession to child abuse
  • They will not warn parents when a paedophile is in their congregation
  • They allow paedophiles to go door to door meeting families with children
  • They do not check registers such as Disclosure Scotland for any member

I could go on as there are many other issues where they side with paedophiles and abuse the victims further.

Any parent that has any feelings of wanting to protect their family would want to make sure that their children are no where near these people. If JWs are wrong in this respect I would like you to ask yourself in what other ways are they wrong? I know the answer to that question and it scares me that my children would be exposed to it.

I implore you to think carefully about safeguarding your children, what justification can there be to allowing your young impressionable ones to associate with these people?

 

Who is in control?

Anyone who knows me knows I am teetotal. There are 3 reasons for this:

1. I suffered as a child at the hands of an alcoholic
2. Even the smell of alcohol makes me feel sick
3. I remember being drunk having no control over myself

The first point is no longer an issue, I am old enough to ensure that the alcoholic in question has no power over me.

The second point is simple, just avoid alcohol.

The third point has got me thinking. Because of point number 2 I won’t be in a position that I will be drunk, however will I always be in control? Are you in control, if not who is controlling you?

The reason why I question this is that I spent over 20 years in a high control group. I did not realise it at the time but everything about my life was being dictated to me. What I wore, what I read, what I ate, what I watched or listened to, my recreation, how I spent my time was all controlled by the group I was in.

How could I have not seen this? As a cynical and skeptical person I have asked this many times. I have come to the conclusion it is because all my time was taken up following the rules and regulations, however no matter how hard I tried, how much of myself I gave it was never enough and I had no time to check it out for myself.

Now I am no longer a member I can think for myself and make decisions for myself and I have never been happier. However there is a cost to this.

I still have family members who are in the high control group, and they have been told that anyone that leaves the group are to be viewed as a dead person. They are not allowed any contact with me. When I decided that I did not want to be a member of the group, it was the group I had an issue with, not the individual members. I did not want to be identified as a member of a high control group, one that has ruined literally thousands of lives. I did not however cut myself off from my family, who all know me as a nice and decent person.

Sadly as soon as they have found out I am no longer a member of their group they are no longer allowed to talk to me.

I have no control over this, the more I protest the more they believe it to be a test of their loyalty to their group. They have no control over this as they have relinquished their lives to the group.

So I ask again, who is in control? No-one is in complete control. Maybe I should take up drinking after all….

More about mind control
https://www.freedomofmind.com/
http://www.x-j-w.org/personality/
http://www.jwfacts.com/watchtower/fear-cult-mind-control.php
http://jwsurvey.org/category/mind-control